Hellraiser

Title: Hellraiser

Year: 1987

Summary: Larry decides to move back into his childhood home with his new wife Julia. What Larry does not realize is that the body of his brother (Frank) is in the attic. Frank becomes reanimated and we find out that Julia had an affair with Frank. In order to restore his body back to normal, he has Julia bring him men so he can drain their blood. While doing this, he explains that she must hurry or else the Cenobites will find him. Larry’s daughter Kristy discovers what Frank and Julia are up to and must fight them and the Cenobites.

Dave’s Rant: The 1980’s is often considered the greatest decade for horror. It produced some of the greatest scary movies that laid the foundation for the genre over the next few decades: The Shining, Nightmare on Elm Street, Evil Dead, and Poltergeist among others. Hellraiser is no exception. The combination of creepiness, sex, and pure horror kept my heart rate up throughout the film. There seemed to be a new scare around every corner whether it was Frank dragging his half dead body across the floor, a homeless man stalking Kristy, or the Cenobites’ overall level of terror. Seriously, these guys are like the Avengers from hell:

One went to acupuncture way too much, one needs to see a a dentist about his jaw, one could be used in an anti-smoking ad, and the last one looks like a fat Morpheus. Our other major villain is Frank who plays his role as the zombie lover extremely well. His desperation to regain human form while maintaining his emotional and sexual dominance over Julia is excellent writing. Some of his lines will make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. What drags Hellraiser’s rating down is the ending. It wasn’t terrible but compared with the rest of the movie it was the weak link. Remember to practice abstinence or else these bastards could show up and make your life a living hell.

Memorable Quote: “What’s your pleasure, sir?”

Rating: 7.5/10

Children of the Corn

 

Title: Children of the Corn

Year: 1984

Director: Fritz Kiersch

Summary: Burt and his girlfriend Vicky stumble upon a small town in Nebraska that is completely void of adults. After looking in several buildings in search of a phone, they realize that the town has been taken over by extremely religious children. The children believe that no one should live above the age of 18. A game of cat and mouse ensues between the children and the couple.

Dave’s Rant: Well this movie just proves why it is better to be an atheist. The overzealous kids follow a psycho (named Isaac) who leads them on a massacre of their own parents and every adult in town. The FBI estimates that there are approximately 50 serial killers in the United States at a time; I guess they are all under the age of 18 in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. It’s hard to sympathize with any of the protagonists. Burt is obnoxious and has over the top commitment issues while Vicky is next to useless. The best character in terms of acting is Isaac (John Franklin). He is extremely creepy and reminds me an awful lot of another bastard everyone hates….:

 

Seriously. They both are little bitches who we just want to see die. This movie has some moments that could make you jump and a somewhat decent plot. But it’s slow and the CGI is unbearably horrible. I know, I know, this movie was from the 80s. But it is horrendous. The ending was also the most awkward thing I have ever seen. Read the book, skip the movie.

Memorable Quote: “But he’s always been here, just like He Who Walks Behind the Rows.”

Rating: 4/10

The Conjuring

Title: The Conjuring

Year: 2013

Director: James Wan

Summary: Roger and Carolyn Perron move into a new home in Harrisville, Rhode Island with their five daughters. They quickly discover that the house is plagued with angry spirits. Ed and Lorraine Warren, two paranormal investigators, are called in to help. After several terrifying nights, the mother becomes possessed by one of the spirits and an exorcism is required.

Dave’s Rant: Wow. Just wow. An absolutely riveting film that will keep you on the edge of your seat for two hours. Basically if you took the best parts from Paranormal Activity and the best parts from The Exorcism and the best parts from your favorite haunted house movie and then improved them, you would get The Conjuring. There was no weak link in the cast as all of the actors played their parts convincingly. The use of sound was incredible; it only amplified your fears. There were several times throughout the movie that I jumped and then proceeded to check my pants to make sure I didn’t shit myself. The Perron family should have known that something was seriously wrong with their house when their dog refused to enter it and then (spoiler) turned up dead the next day. This movie has the potential to scare everyone. If you are afraid of ghosts, possessions, loud noises, your own house, or extremely creepy dolls that look like this:

Then this movie will do it for you. Go ahead. Watch it. Just make sure you have a couple of blankets to cover your face.

Memorable Quote: “When the music stops, you’ll see him in the mirror standing behind you.”

Rating: 9.5/10 (nobody is perfect)

The Village

Title: The Village

Year: 2004

Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Summary: A group of people live in a small village completely surrounded by woods in order to escape the “wickedness” that plagues the other towns. In these woods, there are strange creatures who terrify the villagers. We are told that there is a truce between the people and the creatures. However, when skinned animals begin showing up all over the village and the creatures are seen entering from the forest, it appears that the peace is at an end. Meanwhile, a blind girl named Ivy and a boy name Lucius (Joaquin Phoenix, aka Commodus) begin to fall in love. When Lucius is injured, Ivy wishes to travel through the creatures’ territory to “the towns” in order to get medicine to help her lover.

Dave’s Rant: M. Night Shyamalan. What are we going to do with you? At times you are brilliant. Other times you are puzzling. And yet other times you are downright awful. He was at his best 14 years ago with the extremely successful The Sixth Sense; it has been all downhill since. Shyamalan tries too hard at this point: his stories get bigger and bigger plot holes and his twists become more predictable. But enough about him. The Village does ask some interesting philosophical questions relating to violence in society and using fear to control a population. It makes you think about the true nature of human beings and the violence in our world. Joaquin Phoenix does provide some quality acting even though you have to turn up your TV every time he speaks because he likes to whisper. There are some beautifully scripted scenes that you long for throughout the movie. In addition, this would be a pretty badass Halloween costume:

 

That’s basically it though. The rest deals with Shyamalan’s obsession with the color red (which ends up having zero impact on the film), a blind girl who manages to find her way through an entire forest even after being attacked by a creature, and shots of chairs standing alone. This is the End was a scarier movie than The Village. It’s dry and uneventful and the signature Shyamalan twist was less than stellar. We can only hope that Shyamalan learned his lesson from this (oh wait he made half a dozen movies after this).

Memorable Quote: “Do your very best not to scream.”

Rating: 3/10

Drag Me to Hell

Title: Drag Me to Hell

Year: 2009

Director: Sam Raimi

Summary: A loan officer, named Christine, denies an old woman an extension on her home loan. Unfortunately, the old woman is a gypsy who places a curse on Christine. For the next three days, Christine is haunted by a demon called the Lamia, who basically scares the shit out of our heroine and the audience for a solid 60 minutes. Christine attempts several methods to get rid of this monster, including an incredibly depressing scene where she murders her own kitten.

Dave’s Rant: Drag Me to Hell exceeded my expectations and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It is one of the better modern horror movies. The one major flaw from the film is some of its CGI is just horrible and unnecessary. For instance, they try to put the Lamia inside of goat in order to kill it. The result was the goat becoming possessed and yelling “bi-i-i-i-tch” and “whore.” Yeah, couldn’t really get behind that. The whole movie is completely insane and it keeps you on edge throughout. There are some legitimate scary scenes that will make you jump and the ending is fantastic and unexpected. I think one lesson that we all can take away from this is if someone comes into your place of business looking like this:

just give her whatever the hell she wants. If you can overlook some goofy special effects, then Drag Me to Hell is definitely a movie to check out.

Memorable Quote: “I beat you, you old bitch!”

Rating: 8/10

I Know What You Did Last Summer

Title: I Know What You Did Last Summer

Year: 1997

Director: Jim Gillespie

Dave’s Rant: After a night of drinking, four teens accidentally hit a man while driving home. Because they are not doctors (or are simply incompetent), they come to the conclusion that the man is dead. The teens decide to dump the body and never speak of it again… until the following summer when the man they killed comes back for revenge. While it has a decent story, I couldn’t connect with any of the main characters. One of the characters was never around, another was depressing and dull, the third was a prom queen, and the last was Ryan Phillippe who was a bigger asshole in this movie than he was in Cruel Intentions. The final 30 minutes were the best part and had every element of a good slasher movie: a villain who moves incredibly fast and seems invincible, a boy who saves a girl, and one final scare.  I Know What You Did Last Summer is a poor man’s version of Scream.

Memorable Quote: “Let’s just pretend he’s some escaped lunatic with a hook for a hand and we’re doing everybody a favor.”

Rating: Decent slasher flick but uninspiring – 5/10

The Evil Dead

Title: The Evil Dead

Year: 1981

Director: Sam Raimi

Dave’s Rant: For some reason, five friends think it’s a good idea to stay in an abandoned cabin for spring break. In the middle of Tennessee (I expected more of you Michigan State). As if that wasn’t bad enough, they find a book and some recordings in the basement which basically release these demon spirits onto them and cause them to one by one murder each other. The demons wear bad makeup and can be very sarcastic. They mock the poor lone survivor for not being able to slice up his girlfriend with a chainsaw (it’s actually quite romantic)  While it is no longer a terrifying movie compared to more modern horror movies, The Evil Dead stays true to its plot and provides some laughs along the way. It also is a reminder that you should never stay in a run down shack in the middle of the woods. Or spring break in Tennessee.

Memorable Quote: “We’re gonna get you…”

Rating: A bit cheesy but an overall solid film – 7/10